"melancholy"

Poem. Hm hm hm. And a HI to everyone as well."
Because i am busy and never here and yes.
Here's the poem then eh.

*HUGS*

"melancholy"

ugly yellow green bile
swish of a whip through the air
eyes half open three quarters closed
you and you and you
and somewhere here, i'm told
me.

old grey bleeding eyes
crack of two hundred bones in unison
mind opening and closing in unwanted spasms
you and you and you
and i remember everything i've seen, but
me.

deep blue screaming veins
garbled warble of talking heads
lungs grabbing listlessly for air to feed
you and you and you
and never, never bringing life to
me.

i long for a break to my silence, and
from lips too weak to open,
a perfectly choreographed sentence
dies, drown out again by melancholy,
ugly yellow green bilious waves.

nothing now.
nothing but
you and you and you
and somewhere here, guess there must be
me.

"Mutable"

"Mutable"

life in a blue maze
(a thousand million shades of grey)
up? down? sideways? world
(burnt out minute? eternity girl?)
everything gone all dream frayed
(lose for love, kill to save)
pent up mysteries never to unfurl
(time, where did you take 5 yr curls?)
hot new thing? old hating?
three words:
universal identity crisis

"Skim Milk"

New bad poetry. Thank the magnetic poetry for this one, more or less.

"Skim Milk"

Mother TV
milk this vision.
from my madness
take your blood.
ask not what i need
just keep smearing my skin.
Mother TV,
clear as big screen,
your nightmare owns me.

"mirror song"

I don't particularly like either of them, but i'm not writing much, and there's a chance i'll reread them in a few days and think hey, these are okay. =) *HUGS* Thanks for reading.
"mirror song"

changeling
with your dark hair
and your pale limbs
and your
laugh
laugh
laugh
(there's no tomorrow)
you can't be the girl
i saw in the pictures
with her light curls
and her
smile
smile
smile
(if it kills you)
changeling
stealing away that baby
lost that innocence, did you
and your
cleanliness
cleanliness
cleanliness
(next to godliness)
now you're nothing
now i'm nothing
now you're,
now you're
now you're me.
changeling.

"leave"

no longer do i long for
answers to the riddle.
no longer do i ask for
the key to free the slaves.
no longer do i wish
for a pill to cure the cause.

i don't care any more
whether you were lover or killer.
i don't care whether you
understood or misunderstood or
knew the way you twisted me.
i don't care any more
about the depth of the sickness
and my love for you then.

all i want is for the ghosts
to return to their graves.

all i want is sleep.

"Back Drawer (The Time Was Right II)"

For Fishstick Blob's Looking Back project. Thought that I should like to post it here as well. *HUGS* Thanks to Beeeeeee for the pink asbestos skies. It all started there.
"Back Drawer (The Time Was Right II)"
crumpled yellow parchment paper still in your third drawer underneath the lavendar and underwear to this day even now reads the same as it always did:
"I've packed my bags, it's time to go
The tides are pulling me far and away
Maybe i'll see Mars, or the moon, i don't know
But i've got to go, got to, got to escape
From this prison of sunset and its pink asbestos skies
Oh baby, maybe I'm just a satellite
Orbiting around whatever attraction grows heavy and handy
But I can't get through one more night
Sitting around grinding up rainbow pills,
Trying to find that one particle of trust joy love faith
Because the wretch in your fortune cookie paste mirror
She's taken to wearing my face.
And i've got to go, maybe I'll go Mars
Just somewhere where the sun doesn't shine so fuckin' hard
Maybe find a reason why this whole thing had to start.
But i gotta get out of here,
Before i suffocate, burning in the light
And if it's all i have to do to get some air,
I'll go beyond these pink asbestos skies."

tears and phonecalls and three plane tickets back and forth and still, your saturn girl never returned. when asked for comment, she still says only this: the time was just right.

"Can't See It"

Wrote this one awhile back (like a week or two). Procrastinating about posting it, etc, but feedback's been pleasant lately, so. Just remember, it could get worse than this, i COULD be posting Old Bad Radio, but I'm not, I'm sparing you all. ;) *HUGS*
"Can't See It"
i want to touch it but i can't see it,
i can't see it but i can feel it,
i can feel it and it hurts me,
but i can't see it, and i can't kill it
underneath the surface, something's hiding
some things are always hidden
i'll cut the skin away but i can never get within it
nothing is real but this feeling, and i can't see it
there's no truth but this lie, and i don't believe it
no meaning but this lacking longing, and i can't kill it
inside the void, i'm numb with feeling it
what did you bury in me, cruel one?
i know you planted this monster seed, clever one
what's this demon that longs to be free, sharp one?
why did you take the peace from me, cruel one?
something lies beneath the reality of this dream,
i t ' s a m i s s i n g p i e c e o f m e, cruel one!
and i can't break it free, you see, you see,
i can't see
can't make out the darkness, can't tell which part is missing
don't know the food to satiate the hunger, don't know the elixir to kill the disease
can't see the wound but i can feel it oozing,
i can feel it and it hurts me,
but i can't see it, and i can't kill it
underneath the surface, something's hiding
and some truths aren't meant to be known
as the lights get brighter, i get dimmer
i can't see it,
but it i see alone

"paper nails"

Since I haven't written anything new lately, here's one of the few ones I rescued from my old harddrive that I don't believe I've posted before.
"paper nails"
paper nails and razor thin
beneath the waves too tired to swim
chlorine green and rotting black
release your anger i'll take it back
headache strain and stomach churn
away the cut away the burn
razor nails and paper thin
too damn tired to start this again
when farther away is more like home
girl so tired and girl so alone
pushed far enough to honestly say
i almost hurt myself today
in hopes the pain would go away
paper nails and razor thin
sick of this battle i cannot win
sick of the powerlessness i hold within.
sick of black and sick of white
sick of nothing being right
waves dark and ocean deep
lured into the depths of sleep
with paper nails and razor thin
i'm just too damn tired to rise again
yes, i am.

angel feathers"

 angel feathers
float down from the sky
as the crystals fall
i gently wipe my eye
such poignant beauty
that in awe, i softly cry

angel feathers
falling down onto my face
their sweetness makes up
for all the bile i've had to taste
such defenseless innocence
my heart almost breaks

angel feathers
drifting gently past me
sometimes you only have
to look in the sky to see
that life can hold happiness
that it can contain beauty

and as a reason to live,
this works for me

someday those will be my feathers.

shimmer in the darkness

a hand moves in the darkness
and i watch it
watch it move
watch it reach out
but i avoid it
i keep my eyes on it
and i keep out of reach
from those saviour fingers

ah, don't you see that when
you wake me from this dream
it's to a nightmare
so much stronger than the last
the nightmare is this:
the gift of bliss
and then having it taken away

a voice calls in the darkness
and i can hear it
hear it beseech
hear its frustration and hurt
but i don't console it
i listen to each poignant sound
and i ignore it
that anyone should hurt for me
as badly as i do

ah, don't you see that when
you take my destruction from me
i'm not a person,
just a shadow of what used to be
the reality is such:
a ghost you cannot touch
a spirit which is to its core afraid

a heart breaks in the darkness
and it's hard to tell
whether it was mine or yours.

"leftovers"

don't give me christmas trees
and tinsel taped to the walls
it doesn't make up for anything
all these years spent inside
a frozen puddle has left me
in a dizzy spell, in a personal hell..
just like everyone else,
left me
[leftovers
could feed them to the dog
but the dog is dead and gone
dead and gone and buried to me
and i'm the leftovers]
i try to smile but it isn't that
time of year anymore for me
used to warm me up used to make me
want to sing along with all the bad
Christian Christmas songs but it's
left me awhile for those who deserve a smile
just like everyone else,
left me
[leftovers
pass them on to the family
a family i don't know and don't care to
have known them all of my life,
and they still don't know me
though i am them, their leftovers
and i'm the leftovers]
once i wore an angel dress
i can barely even remember back then
innocence has long since abandoned [left me]
and for once in my life
there's no lights burning on Christmas night
everything has left me to my own device,
to the inner ice, to the part of me that used to see
the part that dreamed that i was all right
but that soul has left me
just like everyone else,
left me
[leftover
why is it you
always feel so unwanted dear?
is it the way they pick at you,
is it the way they ignore you,
is it the way they discard you
the way they disregard you..
yes, i understand all too clear,
i'm the leftovers]
tell me,
what is this monster that gnaws at my veins
inside the empty gap within me?

"Feels like going away"

A quick note... i have return-id from my trip, alive and well, if not somewhat warped by the strangeness that is our ever loveable Iggy. ;) I'm also probably as grounded as grounded gets... so... if you don't hear from me much in the upcoming days -- No, i'm not dead, i'm just in my room reading. =) Now read, damn you. ;)
*HUGS*
"Feels like going away"
eyes close on a dim day
sky falls
and i push it away
everything is either heaven or pain
can't tell the difference
it's all the same
does it have to be so cold,
does it have to be so cold in my ireland?does it have to be so cold...
because i can remember warmer lands..

there and then gone
home and then here
back to sleeping wrong
and all the illogical fear
there and then gone
coulda fooled me,
that felt a lot like home
there and then gone
now once again scorned
and once again alone
there and then gone

tell me,
does it have to be so cold,
this cold seeping through my bones,
does it have to be so cold,
no, this ireland isn't my home,
does it have to be so cold,
does it have to be so cold,
does it have to be so cold in my ireland, for me?

and when can i go home..
when can i go home..
when can i go home..
to where i felt complete?
i'd walk,
but it's so cold,
i think i've lost my feet.

does it have to be so cold here, for me?

eyes close on a darker day
coming back to this place
feels like going away
when the pain dawns and the memories fade
yes, coming back to this place
feels like going away
does it have to be so cold,
does it have to be so cold in my ireland?
does it have to be so cold, this is not a home,
this is just a land of origin, does it have
to be so cold in my ireland?

"intensely burning"

Ok, i KNOW that doesn't make sense, but really, what would you all class it as?? =P

"intensely burning"

i wake harshly
from a dream in which i was
raped - killed - fed to dogs
revived - burnt at a stake -
called witch - watched my
youngest brother be eaten by
a hag - and prayed for by
people who did not have eyes
to see or ears to hear my
dying screams - no noses to
smell my putrid burning flesh

but you are there
a mess of arms and legs and
warm flesh, eyes melting me
into your endlessness
voice soothing over frayed
and relentless nerves,
so cool and smooth like a
mental honey and i am licking
love off of your lips
pain and dreams and past forgotten
in a sweet intangible moment
which flows into another
and another
and another

keep me with you always at your
side - i don't care if it's a
dream - i do not ever want to
wake - if this is false reality -
let me exist in the nothingness
that lies between real and
nonexistant - hopeless heart
beat is crying i am aching
from how bad i love you -
such feeling
such knowledge
of the words
-want-
-love-
-need-
burning under my skin
burning burning burning sweet one
but you have eyes to see my tears,
you have ears to hear my fevered whispers,
and you have hands to feel my scorching skin,
but here,
there is no smell of charring flesh.

i wake harshly,
but i return to sleep so sweetly.

"intensely burning"

Ok, i KNOW that doesn't make sense, but really, what would you all class it as?? =P
"intensely burning"

i wake harshly
from a dream in which i was
raped - killed - fed to dogs
revived - burnt at a stake -
called witch - watched my
youngest brother be eaten by
a hag - and prayed for by
people who did not have eyes
to see or ears to hear my
dying screams - no noses to
smell my putrid burning flesh

but you are there
a mess of arms and legs and
warm flesh, eyes melting me
into your endlessness
voice soothing over frayed
and relentless nerves,
so cool and smooth like a
mental honey and i am licking
love off of your lips
pain and dreams and past forgotten
in a sweet intangible moment
which flows into another
and another
and another

keep me with you always at your
side - i don't care if it's a
dream - i do not ever want to
wake - if this is false reality -
let me exist in the nothingness
that lies between real and
nonexistant - hopeless heart
beat is crying i am aching
from how bad i love you -
such feeling
such knowledge
of the words
-want-
-love-
-need-
burning under my skin
burning burning burning sweet one
but you have eyes to see my tears,
you have ears to hear my fevered whispers,
and you have hands to feel my scorching skin,
but here,
there is no smell of charring flesh.

i wake harshly,
but i return to sleep so sweetly.

Untitled (it's too cute to be named)

The most horribly cute thing i've ever written in my life. =)
Untitled (it's too cute to be named)

i love you so much
it makes me want to cry
and when you hold me,
i'm so happy i could die
or maybe just sprout wings
and fly
but i already feel so
incredibly high
i love you more
than the ocean loves land
coming back for more
over and over again
you hold my heart
right in the palm of your hand
and here i'd thought
i'd never trust anyone again
i love you so much my heart almost aches
and i'll follow this road with you,
wherever it takes
we were linked together
by the kindest of fates
i love you so much
it makes me want to scream
or pinch myself to wake
from this amazing dream
love you so much
with ever bit of my being
just for the record
want you to know
love you so much
and i'm never letting go

So there. =)

"the last emotionless emotion"

Kinda quickly written... haven't even reread it yet... don't mind if there's any glaring typos.
*HUGS*

"the last emotionless emotion"

i cut off
my comfort and
my love and
everything i needed
to keep emotionally alive
perhaps the child
hurts so bad
that she silently
wishes that she could die
stopped my caring
stopped my craving
everything i desired i pushed
as far away as i could
do what you don't want
restrict what you do want
perhaps the child
wants acceptance so badly,
she thinks the suffering
will make her good
and now i open my fingers
now i spread my arms
now i cry...
hold me
begging for the comfort i
pushed away in times
when i could have used it bad
but i lie broken,
and the audience is gone
perhaps the girl
stayed afraid too long
and when she opened her eyes
all her toys were gone
and in their place
was a hurt so profound
that when her angels took flight
she was left there,
earthbound.

"begrudged"

Almost makes me wish i was a musical type of person... have a distinct tune in my head when i was writing it/rereading it. Well anyways. Enjoy, etc.
"begrudged"
i don't like you
i don't know how to live with you
I've grown to hate these things that
I used to know how to do
i don't know
exactly where it was i went...
but when i got back...
when i got back to this hell...
all the angels had faces i knew
and i had fallen myself

i don't like you...
i don't want to spend another day
i've grown to hate the fear that will not..
let me run away (from all of this)
i don't know when the changes came
don't know exactly when (and where) i changed..
but when i got back,
back to this broken place..
the angels all had faces i knew
and i had lost my faith

i don't like you...
i don't want to waste here with you
i've grown to loathe
all these things that i've learned to do
i don't know
exactly when i found my hate
but when i got it hard, well
all the angels had your fucked up face
and i wondered what nightmares had taken place

i don't like you
i don't want you beneath my skin
i don't like you
i don't like the things i hold within
i don't like you
i don't like needing you
i don't... like you, i don't want to be like you
i don't like you, can someone take me..
away...
from me?

but if you want proof,
well i tried to run from this hell
i ran i ran
i ran the devil's race
but when i came home here
all the angels had your.. fucked up.. face
and as hard as i try
to forget myself
i will never forget
your face..

i don't like you...
i said, i really don't like you...
i don't like you, i wish i could forget you
and right now i hate the things i cannot
remember how to do.
and the things that i can remember...
i have grown to hate them too.

"small fish"

Goodness, I wonder who the culprit behind the inspiration of this was. ;) Yeah, I know, it's kinda short, and it's dreadfully cute but... 's what I felt needed to be said, and so here it is. ;)
*HUGS*
"small faith"

nothing in life
is certain,
but it's okay
to have a little faith
i will smile
when you are happy
i will hold you
when you are afraid
i'll be there
when you call for me
at any time
along the way
while nothing in life
is certain,
in this
you must have faith
i love you dearly
and always will
right until
my dying day.

"chipped shoulder"

 muscles torn
from too much sleep
so tired
i'd sell myself for peace
all the medication in the world
and it couldn't cure me
want to sink through
the surface of this dream
[told me things could change
that i deserved
a little rage
and what did it bring me
but more pain...
we are always so deviously
so subtly the same]
i know the nightmares
call them by name
reality more frightening
caught in the game
all the saviors in the world
and i'd drown just the same
want to break out
of the rotting picture frame
[told me you gotta fight for what's yours
that i deserved some peace
between wars
and what did it give me
but a little more remorse
you see we only save
what we are forced]
hands on fire
still nothing comes
mind so tired
still nothing numbs
inside my head
truth still drums
someone break me
give me an excuse
to give up control
let the terror loose
but all the excuses in the world
and i'd still blame myself
how many others have fallen
that i could have helped
[you said i've got to love myself
that sometimes i need
to reach out for help
but you just cannot help someone
who can't help their self
i said sometimes i really feel
i've got no soul left to sell]
i could have ended the circle..
then and there...
now nothing lends me solace
and everything leads me nowhere

"my shriek"

Kinda in a blecky mood.. But i think it's an okay piece.. Thanks for reading. *HUGS*
"my shriek"
shriek
child of the cold
hang your worthless head
still your bleeding heart
and cool your burning skin
i watch all of this
through a dream
like some unbelieving onlooker
just another silent scream
not a flinch from the strong one,
inside her skin
i'm the weak one
i cry but her eyes are dry
my shriek
[a facet of a face
and i thought i can't displace
an existence within a mind
no peace left here to find
i'm told she's beautiful
but we can't see it for ourself..
a question within an answer
she's a paradox in herself]
she's a child of the cold
bites her bitter lip
calms my coward's heart
and burns her cooling skin
i am helpless
in this scene
a detached onlooker
scared by what she's seen
not a motion on her face, the strong one,
far below the surface of her skin,
i'm the weak one
i hurt but she shows no pain
shriek
[twist her til she breaks
no voice from pain she makes
shriek a joke a secret sigh
is there still blood
in the tears you cry
we all have a way to ease the pain
shriek she screams just screams in vain
but no noise from the girl
with scars across the skin
never admit to feeling anything again
i tell you i remember her..]
she was a child when i was not
she was an adult when i could not have been
she relieves a desecration
mourning for a lost innocence
if i had tears i'd cry for her
but they're still frozen on my cheek
she's a child of the bitter
she's a child of the cold
she's a child of a tragedy.. she's
[the skin on my bones..
understand me when i say
shriek and i
were born on the same day
in the same place
in the same room
in the same breath
from the same womb
she's me when i feel nothing
i'm her hurt when i am hurting
she's my strength
and i'm her weakness
i'm the emotion
and she's the coldness..
i feel her pain and she moves my hands..
and i am the only thing heard in the darkness..
inside myself i am..]
my shriek

"can't be helped"

Wanted to use this title for a poem for the past few days... finally found one to work it into. Meh.
Enjoy, or something like that.
"can't be helped"
think...
but nothing seems to heal me
sink....
can i kill these hands that feel me
destroy...
every thing that means a thing to me
pain...
from which you cannot free... me
i guess
i guess it can't be helped
i guess...
[a million miles
below this secret sea
they're selling my soul
and my memory for free
and you can't do anything
but watch it drown me
don't you know helplessness
is just useless misery]
i guess
i guess i can't be helped
i guess, i guess...
i guess
i guess i need to save myself..
but i'm drowning
yeah
i guess it can't be helped
know...
but knowledge leads to hate
feel...
these feelings will not dissipate
need...
only loss can i anticipate
fading...
in my decaying state
i guess
i said it can't be helped
i guess...
[if we're a game
is this my losing streak
what is my pain
yeah, what hurt this week
if we're all bones
am i the creak
and when i open my mouth
why can't i speak
if we're a spy
then i'm the leak]
i guess
i guess sometimes i just can't be helped
i guess, i guess...
i guess
sometimes i need to help myself...
but i'm failing
yeah
i guess it just can't be helped
think...
but thinking leads to doubt here
sink...
drowning in this fear.. of fear... of fear...
destroy...
i want no comfort near..
pain...
pain, pain... the only thing sincere
i guess
i guess it really can't be helped
i guess
[tell me why
you want to survive..
if this is the way
you're going to life your life..
tell me why
you want this to continue..
you like this pain,
now don't you?]
i guess
sometimes i really can't be helped
i guess, i guess...
i guess
sometimes... we learn to rebuild ourselves..
but i've FAILED
i've failed you, and i've failed myself
yeah
i've failed, i'm falling, flailing..
i guess i can't be helped
reach out..
when nothing means a thing...
reach out..
your hands to hold my nothing..
reach out..
i could drown without your help
reach out..
but i can't save myself
reach out..
but i can't take your hand
reach out...
can't you understand..
[i'm the thin red line
between a cut and a gash
i'm the difference between
a cigarette and an ash
i'm the second between
the kamikaze and the crash
i'm beginning to understand
my self at last
i guess this can't be helped]
i really can't be helped..
sometimes it can't be helped..
i guess
i guess it really can't be helped...
i guess, i guess
i better help myself.