Chest constricted
Heart pounding
What is this feeling
So resounding

My stomach queasy
Now my chest heaving
Breathing
With trouble

Everything in white and black
Reversed
What are these feelings ?

I wanted the opposite of this
didn't I ?

To be up there
Lights gleaming
Faces leering
All eyes on me
Not a one I can recognize

To be seen
and not to see ?

No
How can I want that
I can understand wanting all eyes on me

But why just those two
Why care about being seen by them
and not seeing them

WHY
Why are my feelings so reversed ?
WHY
Is everything in that instant
so vivid
Why does it effect me so

hiding
stealing away from everyone
I hide my feeling
my new realization
hold it close

And now and then open up my heart
Look at it
and wonder.

Night

By Jamison Robert Huebsch

I just can't seem to feel real enough tonight

Everything is only pain in this long night

It seems all I can feel is this pain

Hugging pillow tight while slash reign the skin of my arm

I don't know what I do to cope or deal

Can't stand just can't stand what I feel

Angry red marks, appear but they draw no attention this night

It wouldn't matter any ways

Nothing seems to go right

Just long for something to take away the pain
Take away this night

Always rocking alone in my darkened room
No time no worth to me getting better soon
Books surround me, encase me with their paper cuts
Words seem to be the only thing my blood is worth

Can't stand alone, but can't let anyone inside
I'll be damned any ways so why do I hide ?
I just want that ray of sunshine to fall on me
And everyone to finally see

Homeless

By Jamison Robert Huebsch

The difference is like night and day
Love and hate
Twixt the cup and the lip lies my fate

In a endless forgotten waste
Between old forgotten books
And strange dirty looks
I had almost gone and missed it in my haste

My longings for home it had begun to sate
No longer did I feel some of the pains of late
I had begun to finally feel all was okay

A slip of the wrist
A word past the lips
Poison unfurled

Lost again in a sea of humanity
Invisible to all eyes that can see
A lost little boy wanders lonely

Laconic armor striped from soft skin
Turned into chains of silence
A soundless gag above the chin

Again to wander from window to window
Always looking in

To see the thanksgiving feast spread out
To always wonder without a doubt
About the warmness and family within

Such is the fate of all such souls
Who spoil their own homes
Spew forth their own poisons
Leave wounds never forgot
And maybe never forgiven

All are left with only their own sins
I knew it was a mistake I would make one day

Heritage

By Jamison Robert Huebsch

I was born of a mix of things,
Far to many to list,
Blue and Red blood added to the mix,
Body born of dirt and steel,
All ploughed underneath the wheel,

My family is the rich among the poor,
When comes church dinner,
You can see them from the door,
Eating up the best slices of pie,
Gossiping about who is pregnant,
And who is about to die,

The children treat those with twice their age,
With total lack of respect,
Haughtiness in their voices as they deride everyone else,
For those four times their age they bow and scrape,
And then mutter words of hate,
When backs are turned,

Those who have survived this blue blood,
Soiled in the dirt,
Become the status quo,
And fight for every word,
As they tell all what's wrong and right,
And words of discrimination spring forth,
Throughout their entire life,

Food is served with lots of sauce and grease,
Like everything else,
The natural taste of things is fouled,
And no one wants a bite,
Without drowning their sorrows with whatever is around that night,

With all this hate it's no wonder I hate myself,
Caught between bloods,
My body turns on itself,
I have the intelligence and the memory,
Of the royals of the dirt,
The legs and oddness of who knows where,
As my father was adopted with much secrecy,

I watch a young one,
A red head girl with far to many curves,
Prance around,
Her life already that of one twice her age,
And not a single regret,
They all act so adult,
And yet not a one understands,

To them all,
I am merely but a prize,
The sole son of this great enterprise,
I suspect far to many regret no daughters my age,
To pressure me off to marry at a young age,
Such a curious mix of backwards ignorance,
And 'cityfied' culture learned 2 hours whence,

And so I am slowly shuffled,
This one to show off,
My test scores,
My learning in cities so far off,
Yet all the time a outside for this glitter,
Misunderstood and not really caring one bit,

At the same time I can't understand,
Just how they live,
I couldn't stand to be that way,
And through it all were bound,
Blood to blood,
And death's last crown,
As he lays all to rest,
Side by side,
In a burial ground,
Where my ancestors lie,

It leaves me wondering about who I am,
It burns the fire inside that I am someone,
And not something,
And it leaves me cold and starting to think,

So many contradictions I can't think,
All the stopping and starting,
Wears me out,

I am left wondering,
If I were to shout out,
Would I really be answered and what would it be,
And would it really matter where no one sees me.

AMP !

By Jamison Robert Huebsch

I call it amp,
It a thousand volts,
All dancing in your system,

Zero to a hundred in,
Zero point something seconds,
Every part going at a million rpm,
Every muscle pumping,
Your heart is thumping,
Like the beat of a subwoofer turned up,
Feet are smacking down,
Like someone banging on the skins,
That make up the ground,

Lyric phrases run sprint tracks through my head,
Nothing needs to be said,

Got to wear this body out,
Got to scream and SHOUT !

From ultra klutz the spaz,
To doug danger,
Almost mister smooth,
Feet slid over the glow,
Of the polished ground,
Listen to that sound,
THUMP
BAM

Goes the sound,
Wall ?

BOOM !
Your telling me there was a wall there ?
Rhythm and sound,
All amped,
Running at the speed of sound,

Air whooshes like it's slammed out of speakers,
Body has to move,
Or it's thrumming like a guitar string,
Plucked out pizzicato to the max,

Natural endorphins rushing around,
Like tides slamming through a techno sound,
I'm faster than sojiro on speed,
Man I've got the need,

Running faster and faster,
In circles or squares,
I don't care,
I'll just go from here to there,

Wood bends,
Concrete shatters,
Under my amplified sound,

This is amp,
It's everything turned up,
Take everything in me,
Make it ten fold,
Makes me bold,
Manic,
Panic,

Part of me lives for this,
Everything is energy and sound,
Mind revved like a drag racer in idle,
Body pumping past the speed of light,
Everything reduced to fight or flight,

Man I'm flying out of site,
Got to ride this train,
Ain't no getting off,
Till I hit the absolute last stop,

There is nothing my magic can't touch,
I've got lightning in my fingers,
And gods running from their mountains,
You want to dance with me,
Just maybe I won't move to fast,
And burn you,
As long as I haven't hit that last wall yet,
Haven't hit that last stop yet,

When everything JUST GOES .......
!!!!!!
dead

A Friend

By Jamison Robert Huebsch

You call yourself my friend,
I call you my friend,
But your friendship is a weird thing,

You say being bitchy is your nature,
That only true friends are willing to put up with all that,
But why are you so mean sometimes,
To someone who tries so hard to be nice to you ?

Your so full of hate and rage,
Yet you complain about how everyone is so mean,

You drag me out,
Use all my money,
Make me wait for hours,
While you shop for your things,

You tease me,
Mercilessly,
Yet you know I used to like you like that,
Yet you always say the time,
That you liked me like that,
Could be measured on a stop watch,

But you didn't complain a few weeks later,
When you were lonely and looking for fun,

You scream and shout,
And complain to everyone who CAN'T hear you,
So they can't fight back,

You order me around,
Like my care for you is just a given,
That you can just take me for granted,

You don't bring me anything but down,
But why is it that down is better than when your not around,

You drive me crazy,
But I got over you,
And you said "GOOD" like it was some disease,

You tell me the truth,
But you take to much fun in making it harsh,
You always have to tear me down,
While you go out running around,
Always out on the town,

You sing man hating songs,
Of how no one is nice enough to you,
But you call those guys your brothers,
And give it out to anyone who can mistreat you right,
It's such a simple decision to you,
Has so little to do with your feelings,
And more about your lusts and pet peeve,

You always expect the world to conform to you,
Rather than you learn to live with reality,

Your so proud of the things,
You can 'do',
And so angry when I'm better at it than you,
Your so pissed off that I am silly and calm some times,
When you want me to be serious,
And a loser,
And so angry when I'm serious,
When you want me to be silly,
And a joke,

Am I just some damn toy to you ?

And all through that,
You’re my friend,
Till you decide you don't want to be

Crash

By Jamison Robert Huebsch and the Wolf called Rage

All emotions have a sound,
Something you want to call out,
When possessed by it,
Screams of pain,
Moans of pleasure,

The sound of rage is more complex,
It is the sound of the crash,
Of the splinter,
The screech of metal,
Of all things breaking,
Submitting to the fury,
Giving way,

Rage is imposing your will on the world,

I have with in me,
The one named rage,
He bears grey fur,
And sharp fangs,
His eyes are reflective yellow,
Seeking the night and the hunt,

I want to break wood,
Bend metal,
Shatter glass,
And let it fall like a thousand broken dreams,
A hundred broken hearts,
A dozen feelings,
Tinkling to the ground,

Rage is seductive,
It stands over the body of a broken person,
Licks it's lips tainted with blood,
Feels the sharpness of it's fangs,
Reassurance of it's vicious self,

It burns the blood,
Shapes the mind,
It is force unbound,
And the world bends or breaks at it's passing,

It's a killer charge you have to dispurse,
A energy you have to burn,
And yet it feeds on it's own burning,

Growing,
Burning,
Hotter,
SCREAMING IN RAGE,
As you break and bend and shatter,
Till nothing can resist,
Everything submits,
Or is driven away,
Everything is broken,
Lies dying,
Now the blood taints your lips,
Now your hands burn with the spent fury,
Now your body aches with the fire it contained,

And everything lies broken,
And dead,
And their blood stains your hands,
Taints your tongue with it's coppery tang,

And you swallow the results of your rage,
You feed again,
Now of the dead and dying,
Now are you sated,

Or does it only fan the flames ?

Mindscape

Perhaps I have been introspective of late,
But with this I would like to share,
The concept of my mind,
On display,
Like a fair,

My mind is a place,
It exists within me,
It holds many things,
Greater yet undiscovered,
Then uncovered,

There are many places in my mind,
Some bright,
Some dark,
An uneven mix throughout,

Yet even in my darkest years of late,
Come times of brightness,
A moments cheer,

And even in my brightest days,
Came darkness,
A death,
A fear,

There are many places within my mind to see,
Things about me I know,
Things about me I have yet to know,

My fears,
A simple place,
Dark yes,
But It holds parts of me,

A spiny bush,
A piece of pain,
My simplest of fear,
I face it every day,

A towering castle filled with banshee,
My despair,
I fear to tread there,
Yet it is a place I have come to know,

A maze made of rubber walls,
A combination of my greatest fears,
Lost,
Loneliness,
No matter what path I chose,
A dead end,
A bounce of the walls,
Rejection,

On my path out, I pass a fear,
Conquered it lies,
My fear of heights,
Now I wish to fly,

I travel from this dark place,
Towards to shadow realms I seek,
My desires,

I pass my most hated of desires,
But yet I cannot divest myself of it,
A crystal filled with dark and light,
It pulses slowly,
Power it calls,
Things within me it awakes,
Yet I let it sleep,
With lazyness I slay it,
I hold my self in check,
As always,

I pass my next desire,
It is an interesting place,
A library dusty with age,
Secrets untold,
Things unnamed,
Knowledge it is,
Stories unfinished it's pain,

I pass forward,
Other desires I see,
Yet I do not know them,
I have not explored them,
They are for later,
One day I will see,

At the end comes my greatest desire,
The brightest place,
A blazing fire,
It burns with rainbow colors,
A beautiful sight to see,
Love is it's name,
It has always called me,
Yet it is starved,
No wood lies about,
It is the most unfilled of this place,
But I save it for one day,
When it's light will shine,
Making white,
My whole mind,

Next come memories,
A place of glowing lights,
So bright some dark,
A bright moment in the sun,
A name,
A moment unlike any other with my friends,
These sing out to me,
My happy memories,

But without the dark,
The light exists not,
Things I have done,
Attack me,
Memories of rage,
Memories of Loss,
Death,
Memories of inflicting pain,
For ego,
For reasons even less,
Memories of pain inflicted,
Of words that stung,
I know their truth exists not,
Yet they still haunt me,

I fight my way through the lights,
Often I spend just sitting there,
Remembering,
But not this night,

A prison is ahead,
Locked with chains of the mind,
Pieces of me,
I wanted to leave behind,
Parts of me I reject,
Yet they are me,
This cannot be changed,
So them I imprison,
Them I chain,
But their bars are made of concentration,
A day of past,
A day of future,
I slip,
And they are released,
For a time,
I am chained,
But their imprisonment I do not regret,

I reach forth,
I raise my gaze,
An unexplored country,
Lies before my days,
My judge of distance is all for naught,
10 years or 80,
I cannot tell,
But what lies ahead will come,
In time

Echo

What do you see when you look at me ?
A General of Armies ?
A spy ?
A sorcerer with the gift of prophecy ?
A simple person,
Yourself ?

Everything is but an echo of another,
I have been all of these things,
Perhaps not in fact,
Not in reality,
But an illusion is enough,
An Echo,
A fraction of reality,

What we are,
Is what we are around,
Tap a wall,
Hear it reverberate,
That sound changes everything,
You,
Me,

Everything is cause and effect,
Every cause an effect of something else,
Everything an echo of another,
Like ripples in a pond,
An echo is circular,
It begins with it's end,
It ends with it's beginning,

Some may ask why I prefer to move second in chess,
Why I want to know what others would chose,
But I understand something,
Within my self is the echo of others,
What they are,
In part,
I become,

This is true of all things,
That which one begins,
All must complete,
In one form or another

Innocence

Karen,
A simple name,
Conjures the most important memories,
A time long ago,

Almost 12 years since,
And here I am writing this,
It's hard to believe, what do I say ?

So long ago,
No hormones to confuse things,
No fancy words,
Or catchy phrase,

Being with you was simple,
Natural as breathing,
I don't even remember what we said,
Just the memories of the emotions,
Made so faint by the etching of time,

I think of you,
Not day by day,
Not since we were split apart,

But now and then,
Yours is a memory I cannot shake,
I don't even know if I want to,
Something so long ago,
So Innocent,

Yet what we had,
What you gave me,
Last to this day,

Like a drug,
I cannot live without,
I've searched for something like what we had,

It was so long ago,
A lifetime in fact,
It seems like I was another person then,
Fear was a simple thing,
Loneliness just a word,
Despair but a concept,

So I think of you,
And I only wonder,
Do you think of me ?

Time

As I sit here warm and shivering, 
I am gnawed at by a machine, 
It is not the device I sit before, 
But rather the device that sits within me, 
Infinitely complex this device may be, 
The greatest of minds cannot unlock it's secrets, 
The machine, 
The horrid machine I speak of is time,                       

Unstoppable as the morning's rise, 
Unfearable as the air you breath, 
It exists between the quick, 
The thumb and forefinger of your mind, 
It cannot be changed, 
It cannot be understood, 
It can't be placated, 
It merely sits there chewing on our soul,                       

The gears they slowly turn, 
The sand slowly burns, 
As it withers through the hole, 
In the hourglass,                       

It comes to me at all my moments, 
It helps me cherish them, 
And fear them, 
It is there when I dream my life away, 
It is there when I sit with my friends, 
It makes a mockery of me, 
It makes a martyr of me,                       

It conceals who I am from me, 
My blood is not my own, 
My ancestors are unknown, 
My begins hidden from me, 
By time,                       

My future it alone holds, 
My present it makes bold, 
Yet there is little I can do, 
Time has made many things,                       

It is the difference between, 
This poem being of pen and ink, 
This poem being of electron and magnetic field, 
This poem being of photons, 
This poem being of thought,                       

It shows me things in the mists of itself, 
It taunts me with dreams, 
It makes my heart cry with fear, 
And joy, 
And sadness, 
And many things that I hold dear,                       

Who are you I cry, 
To the phantom woman in my dreams, 
Who are you I say, 
To the phantom grandparents I've never seen, 
Who are you I sob, 
To the children dancing before me, 
"WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME ?", 
I scream,                       

It rolls, 
It crawls and tumbles, 
Unstopping, 
Unfearing, 
I am not ready for it's gifts to me,                       

I cannot bear the weight I scream, 
But the universe, 
Time, 
Does not hear me,                       

"Where do I fit ?, what role do I play ?", 
I scream out in the dark, 
I have no light to see, 
Yet I fear the light, 
For the truth it brings,                       

"Am I to be special ?, Am I to be normal ?", 
I beg, 
I plead, 
I ask,                       

It's answer unheard, 
My cries unanswered, 
If I am to be special ?, 
What am I to do ?,                       

If I am to be normal, 
What was this pain for ?                       

This poem makes three, 
My heart has cried before, 
Self-lothing, 
Pride, 
Now fear takes it's turn at my door, 
Of all these things, 
Why is mine to be pain, 
Why is mine to be fear, 
When do I get joy ?  

Darkness

I sit here in the dark, 
I walk here in the dark, 
In dark and lonely halls you will find, 
Me,                       

The darkness is in my own heart, 
But not just in my heart, 
My eyes have seen the, 
Dark,                       

I sit here and drink this cold fluid, 
It courses through my veins, 
Their sewers,                       

I am chilled to the core, 
But is it me or is it more ? 
It's more,                       

There is no light down here, 
The non-existent sun shines no more for, 
Me,                       

My hands shake with pain, 
My eyes are filled with flame, 
My soul casts no light, 
Not here, 
Not light,                       

What is it inside me that broke ? 
I'm frantic with this feeling, 
The voices say it's depression I'm feeling, 
Yet it's me that's screaming,                       

I shiver with the coldness of the dark, 
It's got me gone on a lark, 
My mind has gone, 
My song's done         

Screams

There are voices in my head, 
They have always been there, 
Ever since birth, 
Something said, 
"Yes or No" 
something said,                       

And I listened, 
Because it's me, 
They're my voices in MY head, 
Are you listening to what I said ?                       

They scream and cry with me, 
The sing me the songs from MTV, 
And yet they are me,                       

My rage, 
My fear, 
My insanity,                       

They are me, 
Leashed to me, 
I keep them away from anyone, 
They gnaw at my mind, 
They scream to be let out, 
To have, 
Their fun,                       

The make different from everyone, 
You think maybe I'm normal, 
And maybe I am, 
But what's it to anyone,                       

They scream and call out, 
They want me to do without, 
One just wants to make friends, 
He laughs with them, 
On his creativity control high, 
He just likes to have fun, 
He's zaney for laughs, 
But him on display for fun, 
He won't mind like anyone,                       

One just wants to scream and shout, 
He calls me to do battle without, 
But the enemies he fights are within, 
So those blows only strike him, 
He calls up visions to dance with, 
A thousand years ago in the flames of rome, 
He had his fun, 
He was the only one,                       

The third in this little trio, 
His name is rage and he wants to feel, 
The hate and fear of his savage heart, 
As he makes it pound with control, 
He has mastered himself, 
Into a corner without help, 
He wants to hurt other people, 
Make them feel the pain he feels, 
I never let him out,                       

Dispite their screams and shouts, 
I hate to let them out, 
Don't let me fool you, 
There are more you yet to hear, 
But don't let that stop you, 
Burn me at the stake of society, 
Burn them out of me, 
Take away my pain in that bright light, 
Transcendental without the trouble, 
Death and Life in one bubble                 

Frantic

My skin tingles, 
My hands burn, 
My fingers twitch, 
I hold it back by a thread, 
By a hair,                       

I want to scream, 
I want to shout, 
I want to spit, 
I want to fight it out,                       

Something's gotten under my skin, 
It burns me, 
It chills me, 
It drives me crazy,                       

I etch with burning blood, 
Of my soul's spirit, 
My pain for all the world to see, 
It's just a simple thing to see,                       

Yet I can't hold back these movements, 
I have to do something, 
Like I'm on sugar,                       

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, 
But me,                       

I'm sure I look like a motion picture, 
The strobe effect in the theater, 
In a split second there are three of me, 
Then I'm done, 
And I'm one, 
Just one,                       

I don't know what it is, 
It's like I'm on something,                       

Sleep isn't the same anymore, 
It's not peaceful like I remember, 
I hurry from it's door,                       

Everything is too still, 
It will be hours before anything, 
But me, 
Moves here                      

Dreamer

                     

I lie awake at night, 
I can't seem to feel a thing, 
I don't know what to say or do, 
And it's because of you,                       

I want to wake of from this dream, 
But I know if I stir you'll disappear, 
And I can't stand the thought of missing you,                       

I wish I knew what you face looked like, 
That I had heard your voice, 
The look in your eyes,                       

You dance through my dreams, 
Like it's some number to you, 
A set of easy steps,                       

I just wish I knew who you are, 
And you knew who I am,                       

My dreams are broken in two, 
All I can see anymore is you, 
And I can't see your face,                       

The music is fading, 
My mind is waking, 
And I know I will soon leave you,                       

But even in daylight, 
Your memory haunts me, 
I can't stand this waiting, 
Where are you ? 
Who are you ?                       

My life is yours to take, 
My dreams yours to make, 
My heart is broken in two, 
Why won't you make your move ?                       

You've got me wrapped in pieces, 
Yet your only a phantom of my dreams, 
How can someone deal with that ?                       

What do you do when the woman of your dreams, 
Is just that, 
A dream with no reality  

no text just a question of sanity

... well ... maybe some text ... 
apon an open sky he looked up and wondered why, 
eagerly he he looked apon the ground, 
he felt down, 
he needed something to give him a lift 
so he looked up again to the sky, 
this time he did not wonder why, 
he only questioned "Do or Die ?", 
he answered his own question, 
it was a simple answer, 
a swooshing of air, 
as he fell down, down, down ..., 
the poor, poor dancer

The thought forms,
It races through my brain,
it jumps and runs faster than light,
it is the speed of thought,
it speeds down my neck,
it flows into my shoulder,
it walks down my arm,
it crawls over my wrist,
it lies there gasping in my finger,
but it's job is not yet done ...
The word lies unwritten   

I am all alone now,
my parents they are both gone,
my father on a buisness trip,
my mother to a wedding,
the house is mine now,
but as i sit here and yawn,
drinking a soda sip by sip,
i wonder why i should feel so alone ?                      

I have things all set,
money to last for grocieres,
food packed away in a fidge yet,
but seriously,
it may seem a bit ironic,
i seem to be living on my own,
for a week and two days,
just me and me alone,
yet it doesn't seem so great,
without someone here to share it with me.                      

So i sit here,
my cheer slowly fading,
i'm posting to a web board,
paitently i am waiting,
i need something interesting,
for the next three days,
i will be listening,                      

after that i am off,
i have classes school is not naught,
so every morning i will get up,
at seven o'clock,
however i fear,
this bright glowing thing,
sitting here in front of me,
will keep me up,                      

i am not looking foreward,
to my classes you see,
i've got algebra,
and computer C,                      

so i may have to cut my time here short,
i'll try to be a sport,
but half my day will be gone you see,
i'll be a school,
writing not so merrily,                      

It seems this attempt at a poem,
has run overlong,
but i have no choice,
a am a mere part of the throng. :)                      

Thanks for the inspiration Ymir !                      

Tears

Yes i'm writing this from the computer lab                     

at the collage, my classes are over i just                     

need to wait another hour and a half for                     

my ride to get here ...    

Tears                       

I feel cold inside, 
I want to feel but I just can't seem to, 
I should be crying, 
But all I have is alligator tears, 
The ones in my heart, 
They don't seem to exist,                       

All of my life has been more of the same, 
Year after year, 
Day after day, 
Everything stays the same,                       

I don't know how much more I can take, 
Things are so dark now, 
My visions are gone, 
Leave only the cold light of day,                       

No more bright colors I see, 
For today I feared life, 
More than I feared death,                       

Hope can be a terrible thing, 
To wait so long for nothing, 
Yet just a little leaks through, 
It keeps you alive so it never ends,                       

I don't know what to do, 
These poems used to purge me, 
Of the things I no longer wanted in me, 
Yet today, 
Like many of recent, 
Held nothing new for me, 
A few weeks before a celebrate, 
Yet another birthday this one being, 
Nineteen,                       

But I have to say, 
It's an empty party, 
No one will be there but me, 
Nineteen years of life with no change, 
Only the dieing of hope, 
Day by day,                       

You always can say, 
"It can't get any worse", 
But that helps none, 
When it never gets better,                       

I'm just this side of commited, 
Crazy enough to be locked up, 
Sane enough to not be noticed yet, 
But the day is coming, 
Something must happen to break this veil of death, 
I don't know what yet, 
But my end or my beginning is coming soon, 
If not one then the other, 
For I can't hold out any longer                       

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Yeah i know it's depressing, but it's like                     

therapy for me, so other than that                     

what do you think ?